I’m Drunk and I Don’t Care Anymore

My grandmother is dying.  She is.  She is 1, 000 miles away from me  and dying.  I am pretty drunk and struggling to type… omg this is taking so long it’s all backspacing and retyping… anyway….  My grandmother is dying, she has congestive heart failure or something and she is on her death bed.  My last, living grandparent.  I don’t know how to do this, I don’t know how to be  in the world with only one generation above me… until I was 30 there were THREE generations between me and the Grimm Reaper.. now only one… what the fuck?  How did this fucking happen???? 

Anyway, I miss her.  I wish she would call me to her bedside, but she won’t.  She disowned me 17 years ago and I Fucking will NOT make her death about me.  I WILL NOT.   If she wants me all she has to do is ask, no apology needed, I will be there.  But I will not make her death about ME. Fuck that.  But gods… my heart is breaking that she is suffering and dying and that some of my family is suffering with her.  😦   


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